It's a cool, cloudy morning. I've got a cup of steaming hot tea, three passed out pets, and an empty apartment. In a word: heaven. I sit down at the computer, open up my laptop, and take a satisfying stretch before delving into fantasy land, when I hear the most obnoxious sound...
A leaf blower.
Not only is a leaf blower one of the loudest machines I've ever heard, it's also the most useless. People seem to use these odd contraptions to collect the fall leaves from their lawns (translation: hot air blasts out of smelly machine and blows leaves in every direction). And then? Oh, that's simple, you place your pile of leaves into trash bags and put them at the end of your driveway because then your lawn will be perfect again and the neighbors won't judge you. Plus, it gives you a sense of "I am the ruler of this castle and with my bare hands I shall rid it of all evil (translation: leaves)". Ok, so maybe this is more of a guy reaction because frankly, I don't see why you can't just leave the leaves (no pun intended) on the ground. Perhaps it's more of a "man and his machine" syndrome, otherwise known as the urge to lift heavy objects made of metal, gas, and lava that make absurdly loud noises and do manly things like blow, cut, slice, dig, and screw. It also helps if the machine has a hose, saw, or spiky things shaped like...(let's just say- pickles or the Washington Monument). Extreme weather conditions, a midlife crisis, and alcohol will make these machines even more exciting. Because there's nothing quite like a good snow plowing in the middle of a blizzard or mowing the lawn after a bottle of wine or powerwashing the garage after buying that Harley you always wanted. Upon finishing such herculean tasks, a man may enter the kitchen victorious, smelling of gas, sweat and blood. He may have lost some good men out there, but the mission was clear, and he had to see it through. His expression looks like a combination of "the few, the proud, the marines" and John Wayne. He might as well be wearing chaps and saying something like, "courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway". This is the time when you must notice his battle wounds (translation: miscalculation of branch height on lawnmower due to alcohol consumption = small cut on forehead) with a level of concern bordering hysteria. "It's just a scratch," he replies, his voice a full octave lower than usual. He is a man and men don't feel pain.
Solution? Bring out your tweezers, and pluck one hair out of his back. It's bliss I tell you, pure bliss...
When you're out on your horse, and there's no time to visit the saloon for a whiskey and some meat, what are you supposed to eat? A nutty granola bar of course! These little guys are easy to make and will fill you with energy when your out on the plains looking for the Indians who stole your cousin, and will make old John jealous (he's only got a piece of dried up jerky).
Nutty Granola Bars
1 cup raw almonds (soaked for an hour = pour water over almonds and let sit, then discard water)
1 cup dates, pitted & any variety (soaked for an hour)
1/2 cup roasted, unsweetened peanut butter (I use Santa Cruz Organic creamy peanut butter)
1/2 cup unsweetened, shredded coconut (I use Let's Do Organic unsweetened coconut)
1/2 cup sprouted buckwheat grouts OR finely chopped raw almonds
2 T sesame seeds
1/3 cup ground flax seed meal
2 T raw honey
2 T virgin coconut oil (I use spectrum organic or Dr. Bronner's organic)
1 T vanilla extract
1 T + ground cinnamon
In a food processor, process dates and almonds until crumbly, not pureed.
Transfer to a mixing bowl and add all other ingredients, combine, and press into a glass baking dish or dish or your choice. That's it! Serves ten sleepy unicorns in the wild west.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Monday, November 21, 2011
thanksgiving / mashed cinnamon ginger sweet potatoes
I find it amusing / scary how quickly the real meaning of this holiday has changed, and let's be honest, how many of us really know the history behind Thanksgiving?
When I think of Thanksgiving, I envision pilgrims with buckle shoes and ridiculous hats gathering around wooden tables with a bunch of natives with headdresses, celebrating their most genuine "friendship" by feasting on a giant dead bird (with cranberry sauce and grandma's pumpkin pie, obviously). However, because I'm highly educated, I know that this is a gross misconception of a holiday that has nothing to do with a dead turkey and everything to do with William Bradford (the badass governor of the 1620 American colony) proclaiming that all his puritan buddies should gather together and thank God for helping them thrive in America...
But let's be honest, this is not interesting at all...
Turkey day (as I like to call it) is a time for families to come together and eat and drink as much as humanly possible, fall into a trytophan-induced coma, then wake up the next day and act like raving lunatics as they shop from 5am onwards to get the best deals on crap they probably don't need.
When I was in fourth grade, we dressed up like pilgrims and sang songs with the "native americans" (fifth graders) about peace and corn and turkeys...then we cut out a giant paper turkey and offered it to the natives (fifth graders), which they happily accepted with "thanks". This was followed by a feast in the auditorium with our teachers and all I kept thinking (between mouthfuls of mashed potatoes) is how much I wanted to be a native (because they had cooler outfits and got to make their own walking sticks). A plump pilgrim nudged me in the ribs and said, "why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk?" I said I didn't know. "To hatchet." A blank stare. "Get it? Hatch-it?" Oh, right, I mumbled. Needless to say, it wasn't until high school that I realized the sweet old puritans weren't so "pure" after all...
"Wait, so they were escaping persecution from King James I and came to America so they could be socialists and practice their own religion?"
Yea, apparently, I said. But then all the indians died from disease and-
"Dude, you can't say indians!?!"
Oh, forgive me. We butchered the Native Americans, then became a capitalist society and thrived. God bless America...
"Jesus."
I know, right? He's caused us more problems...
So, what do I celebrate during Thanksgiving? Being with my family...because there's nothing better. Nothing.
Well, except perhaps mashed ginger cinnamon sweet potatoes! This is a simple recipe that's a perfect addition to your Thanksgiving spread.
Mashed Ginger Cinnamon Sweet Potatoes
2 large sweet potatoes, peeled and chopped
1 large yellow onion, peeled and chopped
2 carrots, peeled and chopped
1/3 cup coconut milk
2 T ginger pulp (= peeled and grated ginger root)
1 cinnamon stick
1 bay leaf
salt and pepper to taste
In a large pot, add potatoes, carrots, bay leaf, cinnamon stick, and onion and fill with enough water to just cover the vegetables. Bring to a boil and cover, then reduce heat and simmer until veggies are tender, about 20 minutes. Strain water out and remove bay leaf, then season with salt and add ginger pulp and coconut milk. Use an immersion blender or food processor to puree until creamy and smooth. Serves 6 unicorns disguised as pilgrims.
When I think of Thanksgiving, I envision pilgrims with buckle shoes and ridiculous hats gathering around wooden tables with a bunch of natives with headdresses, celebrating their most genuine "friendship" by feasting on a giant dead bird (with cranberry sauce and grandma's pumpkin pie, obviously). However, because I'm highly educated, I know that this is a gross misconception of a holiday that has nothing to do with a dead turkey and everything to do with William Bradford (the badass governor of the 1620 American colony) proclaiming that all his puritan buddies should gather together and thank God for helping them thrive in America...
But let's be honest, this is not interesting at all...
Turkey day (as I like to call it) is a time for families to come together and eat and drink as much as humanly possible, fall into a trytophan-induced coma, then wake up the next day and act like raving lunatics as they shop from 5am onwards to get the best deals on crap they probably don't need.
When I was in fourth grade, we dressed up like pilgrims and sang songs with the "native americans" (fifth graders) about peace and corn and turkeys...then we cut out a giant paper turkey and offered it to the natives (fifth graders), which they happily accepted with "thanks". This was followed by a feast in the auditorium with our teachers and all I kept thinking (between mouthfuls of mashed potatoes) is how much I wanted to be a native (because they had cooler outfits and got to make their own walking sticks). A plump pilgrim nudged me in the ribs and said, "why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk?" I said I didn't know. "To hatchet." A blank stare. "Get it? Hatch-it?" Oh, right, I mumbled. Needless to say, it wasn't until high school that I realized the sweet old puritans weren't so "pure" after all...
"Wait, so they were escaping persecution from King James I and came to America so they could be socialists and practice their own religion?"
Yea, apparently, I said. But then all the indians died from disease and-
"Dude, you can't say indians!?!"
Oh, forgive me. We butchered the Native Americans, then became a capitalist society and thrived. God bless America...
"Jesus."
I know, right? He's caused us more problems...
So, what do I celebrate during Thanksgiving? Being with my family...because there's nothing better. Nothing.
Well, except perhaps mashed ginger cinnamon sweet potatoes! This is a simple recipe that's a perfect addition to your Thanksgiving spread.
Mashed Ginger Cinnamon Sweet Potatoes
2 large sweet potatoes, peeled and chopped
1 large yellow onion, peeled and chopped
2 carrots, peeled and chopped
1/3 cup coconut milk
2 T ginger pulp (= peeled and grated ginger root)
1 cinnamon stick
1 bay leaf
salt and pepper to taste
In a large pot, add potatoes, carrots, bay leaf, cinnamon stick, and onion and fill with enough water to just cover the vegetables. Bring to a boil and cover, then reduce heat and simmer until veggies are tender, about 20 minutes. Strain water out and remove bay leaf, then season with salt and add ginger pulp and coconut milk. Use an immersion blender or food processor to puree until creamy and smooth. Serves 6 unicorns disguised as pilgrims.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
no power / asian ginger noodle soup
After ranting on about how hysterical people are about the weather, I'm feeling rather humbled. A Nor'easter in October is all I needed to realize why those nutters (translation: Americans) buy so much bottled water whenever there's a storm prediction. And speaking of no power, it's amazing how different your life suddenly becomes when you don't have it anymore...
Day 1: When it first goes off, it's kind of exciting in that "hey, this is an adventure" kind of way. You grab a flashlight and pull out all of your candles, then tell the unicorns that they're not allowed to open the refrigerator door (or any door for that matter) unless absolutely necessary. "We have to keep it cold," you say with authority, "and we need to keep the house warm". Then you converse about the last time you lost power and make predictions for when it's going to come back on. Ten minutes later, you're already missing it...
It's 4:30pm and dark, there's no internet, no TV, no music, no comforting droll of running machines, and you realize that being a pioneer isn't fun at all. There is only one thing you can really do: read. Reading is fun when you want to read, but not when you have to read. It's like when you're at school and your professor tells you that you have to read fifty pages of a book. You instantly feel like reading anything other than the book assigned (and it doesn't help when the book is Chaucer's Canterybury Tales...let's just say that middle english didn't last for a reason). Luckily, there's an old issue of Us magazine with Brangelina and her brood on the cover...
Another hour passes. Then another. Then it's dinner time. You decide to eat all of the perishable food first (translation: one big-ass salad), but it's so dark out now that you can barely see the knife while cutting vegetables...
Another hour passes, and you think, "is it too early to go to bed?" You look at your phone and it says 8:05, so you reorganize a bookshelf. Then you pile the magazines on your coffee table by date, oldest on the bottom, newest on the top. Then you play a game of checkers with your unicorn friend. And then you give up and go upstairs.
Day 2: You wake up to the sound of a distant generator, and look out your window at your neighbor's house. It's lit up like a christmas tree and you decide that you never really liked them anyway. Outside, it looks like a war zone and a branch is lying over your car. "Great," you mumble as you walk down the stairs. Suddenly, a cold gust of wind blows into your face; you reach the kitchen and find a branch lying through one of the windows. This is about the time when you let out one of those high-pitched crazy person laughs and your unicorn friend looks at you with concern.
Day 3: The house is 50 degrees, the refrigerator smells, and you've developed a cold. The best part of the day is when you win a game of Words with Friends on your iphone.
Day 4: You've finally broken down and have begun reading a book, while dressed in a puffer coat and wearing two pairs of socks. Your hair is in a braid, a dog is in your lap, a candle burns on the table beside you, and you suddenly realize that you really are Laura Ingalls from A Little House on the Prairie.
Day 5: You spend half of the day trying to move a paperclip after reading a short book on telekinesis.
Day 6: Your unicorn friend wakes you up after you fall asleep with a half eaten can of beans in your hand. You mumble something unintelligible and fall back asleep.
Day 7: The most glorious, stupendous, unimaginable feeling of joy washes over you when you hear the noise of a machine. "Ssshhh!" you yell at the unicorn, "Do you hear that?" He perks his ears forward and nods his furry head. Then you see a light on in the kitchen. It's too good to be true. You leap and twirl in the air like a madman and feel positively euphoric as you do the laundry and dishes...
Day 8: internet and cable still don't work and the bliss of having hot water, heat and light is already wearing off. Simple creatures with simple needs? I think not...
Since I've been cold for about a week, I'm craving something warm and comforting. Solution? Asian ginger noodle soup. This is like mom's chicken noodle soup, minus the dead bird. Ginger is anti-fungal and anti-inflammatory, and a great thing to eat when feeling a little under the weather or nauseated. The best part? This takes less than 30 minutes from prep to finish.
Asian Ginger Noodle Soup
4 scallions, chopped
1 package or 2 cups shiitake mushrooms, sliced
1 heaping tablespoon of peeled and grated ginger (I use a microplane grater)
2 cups (1/2 bunch) of collards, stems removed and sliced into thin ribbons
1/4 cup mirin (I use Eden brand)
2 cups stock (or water) + 1 cup water
1 large handful of thin brown rice noodles (I use Annie Chung's)
1 can navy beans (or bean of choice) (I use Eden Organic...no bisphenol-A in lining!)
1 T + shoyu or tamari (naturally brewed soy sauces)
2 tsp. brown rice vinegar
A few shakes of Gomasio as a topping, optional (Gomasio is a delectable combination of sesame seeds and sea salt that is absolutely delicious! I use Eden's garlic gomasio)
In a soup pot, heat oil and add scallions and ginger. Cook a few minutes, then add mushrooms and collards. Deglaze with mirin and allow to bubble for a few minutes, then add stock or water + additional water, cover with a lid, and bring up to a boil. Once boiling, add noodles and cook until soft, about 2 minutes, then reduce heat to low, add beans and allow to simmer, partially covered for a few more minutes. Season with rice vinegar and shoyu, then serve in bowls with gomasio sprinkled on top. Serves 3 unicorns suffering from Vampire Diaries withdrawal...
Day 1: When it first goes off, it's kind of exciting in that "hey, this is an adventure" kind of way. You grab a flashlight and pull out all of your candles, then tell the unicorns that they're not allowed to open the refrigerator door (or any door for that matter) unless absolutely necessary. "We have to keep it cold," you say with authority, "and we need to keep the house warm". Then you converse about the last time you lost power and make predictions for when it's going to come back on. Ten minutes later, you're already missing it...
It's 4:30pm and dark, there's no internet, no TV, no music, no comforting droll of running machines, and you realize that being a pioneer isn't fun at all. There is only one thing you can really do: read. Reading is fun when you want to read, but not when you have to read. It's like when you're at school and your professor tells you that you have to read fifty pages of a book. You instantly feel like reading anything other than the book assigned (and it doesn't help when the book is Chaucer's Canterybury Tales...let's just say that middle english didn't last for a reason). Luckily, there's an old issue of Us magazine with Brangelina and her brood on the cover...
Another hour passes. Then another. Then it's dinner time. You decide to eat all of the perishable food first (translation: one big-ass salad), but it's so dark out now that you can barely see the knife while cutting vegetables...
Another hour passes, and you think, "is it too early to go to bed?" You look at your phone and it says 8:05, so you reorganize a bookshelf. Then you pile the magazines on your coffee table by date, oldest on the bottom, newest on the top. Then you play a game of checkers with your unicorn friend. And then you give up and go upstairs.
Day 2: You wake up to the sound of a distant generator, and look out your window at your neighbor's house. It's lit up like a christmas tree and you decide that you never really liked them anyway. Outside, it looks like a war zone and a branch is lying over your car. "Great," you mumble as you walk down the stairs. Suddenly, a cold gust of wind blows into your face; you reach the kitchen and find a branch lying through one of the windows. This is about the time when you let out one of those high-pitched crazy person laughs and your unicorn friend looks at you with concern.
Day 3: The house is 50 degrees, the refrigerator smells, and you've developed a cold. The best part of the day is when you win a game of Words with Friends on your iphone.
Day 4: You've finally broken down and have begun reading a book, while dressed in a puffer coat and wearing two pairs of socks. Your hair is in a braid, a dog is in your lap, a candle burns on the table beside you, and you suddenly realize that you really are Laura Ingalls from A Little House on the Prairie.
Day 5: You spend half of the day trying to move a paperclip after reading a short book on telekinesis.
Day 6: Your unicorn friend wakes you up after you fall asleep with a half eaten can of beans in your hand. You mumble something unintelligible and fall back asleep.
Day 7: The most glorious, stupendous, unimaginable feeling of joy washes over you when you hear the noise of a machine. "Ssshhh!" you yell at the unicorn, "Do you hear that?" He perks his ears forward and nods his furry head. Then you see a light on in the kitchen. It's too good to be true. You leap and twirl in the air like a madman and feel positively euphoric as you do the laundry and dishes...
Day 8: internet and cable still don't work and the bliss of having hot water, heat and light is already wearing off. Simple creatures with simple needs? I think not...
Since I've been cold for about a week, I'm craving something warm and comforting. Solution? Asian ginger noodle soup. This is like mom's chicken noodle soup, minus the dead bird. Ginger is anti-fungal and anti-inflammatory, and a great thing to eat when feeling a little under the weather or nauseated. The best part? This takes less than 30 minutes from prep to finish.
Asian Ginger Noodle Soup
4 scallions, chopped
1 package or 2 cups shiitake mushrooms, sliced
1 heaping tablespoon of peeled and grated ginger (I use a microplane grater)
2 cups (1/2 bunch) of collards, stems removed and sliced into thin ribbons
1/4 cup mirin (I use Eden brand)
2 cups stock (or water) + 1 cup water
1 large handful of thin brown rice noodles (I use Annie Chung's)
1 can navy beans (or bean of choice) (I use Eden Organic...no bisphenol-A in lining!)
1 T + shoyu or tamari (naturally brewed soy sauces)
2 tsp. brown rice vinegar
A few shakes of Gomasio as a topping, optional (Gomasio is a delectable combination of sesame seeds and sea salt that is absolutely delicious! I use Eden's garlic gomasio)
In a soup pot, heat oil and add scallions and ginger. Cook a few minutes, then add mushrooms and collards. Deglaze with mirin and allow to bubble for a few minutes, then add stock or water + additional water, cover with a lid, and bring up to a boil. Once boiling, add noodles and cook until soft, about 2 minutes, then reduce heat to low, add beans and allow to simmer, partially covered for a few more minutes. Season with rice vinegar and shoyu, then serve in bowls with gomasio sprinkled on top. Serves 3 unicorns suffering from Vampire Diaries withdrawal...
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
halloween
Halloween is a strange holiday. Actually, it isn't even a holiday; it's an excuse to dress like a hooker and eat lots of sugar, all in the name of ??? Yea...weird. The reason I'm hating on halloween is because I had no plans so it's convenient to pull the "I didn't want to participate" line.
Halloween has always been a bit of a crapshoot in our family. When we were little, halloween always seemed to sneak up on us so quickly that we were left with 24 hours to come up with a costume. This usually limited our options to clothing already in our house (translation: mom and dad's clothes & some reject costumes from earlier years). My mom's favorite last minute costume? Gypsy. Going as a gypsy was easy because all we had to do was wear lots of ratty looking clothing and wear too much makeup. But after more than 3 appearances as a gypsy...we had to draw the line. Second place outfit? The infamous black cat. Black outfit (teenager = miniskirt, make-up, heels & the obligatory angst, innocent child = Laura Ashley jumper, mary janes, and furry gloves), a set of black, pointy ears and black eyeliner whiskers on your cheeks. Third place outfit? Witch. I pulled this one a lot, but I never had black robes so I just wore one of my mom's black dresses and put on the crooked pointy hat that was always stuffed in our "dress up" chest. The dress up chest was full of the most fabulously random things: grass skirts, hot pink tutus, a witch's hat, a bizarre unitard with a sewn on squirrel tail (it was for the play Chicken Little. I was a squirrel, which wasn't a character in the play, but after they cast me as a daisy, I asked if I could be a squirrel instead. I only had 1 line so they didn't care if I was a rodent or a flower), a red cape with faux white fur fringe (when needing to be a king naturally), several sparkling crowns (worn by us and regrettably, by our dogs), and a beautiful egyptian head piece that we always wanted to wear but never had the right outfit for. We tried doing the whole "trick-or-treating in your own neighborhood" thing, but the houses were too spread out, so our mom drove us from house to house and needless to say, many of the doors we knocked on either never opened or opened to a very shocked resident (and it wasn't because of our smashing costumes). We eventually started doing trick-or-treating with our friends in more populated areas, which was great. But the funny thing is, you collect all this candy, go home, stuff your face, and feel totally nuts for the rest of the night and wake up the next morning to find your candy stash mysteriously missing...You ask your mom and she looks down at you with that deceitful innocence as she makes you some breakfast and then quickly changes the subject or says something like, "didn't you eat it all?"
No, you say to yourself, I most certainly did not, and I was fully intending to go crazy again tonight and dress up as an egyptian king and sing songs from The Sound of Music at the top of my lungs! (this is about the time you realize why your mother would do such a horrible thing to you)...
Halloween has always been a bit of a crapshoot in our family. When we were little, halloween always seemed to sneak up on us so quickly that we were left with 24 hours to come up with a costume. This usually limited our options to clothing already in our house (translation: mom and dad's clothes & some reject costumes from earlier years). My mom's favorite last minute costume? Gypsy. Going as a gypsy was easy because all we had to do was wear lots of ratty looking clothing and wear too much makeup. But after more than 3 appearances as a gypsy...we had to draw the line. Second place outfit? The infamous black cat. Black outfit (teenager = miniskirt, make-up, heels & the obligatory angst, innocent child = Laura Ashley jumper, mary janes, and furry gloves), a set of black, pointy ears and black eyeliner whiskers on your cheeks. Third place outfit? Witch. I pulled this one a lot, but I never had black robes so I just wore one of my mom's black dresses and put on the crooked pointy hat that was always stuffed in our "dress up" chest. The dress up chest was full of the most fabulously random things: grass skirts, hot pink tutus, a witch's hat, a bizarre unitard with a sewn on squirrel tail (it was for the play Chicken Little. I was a squirrel, which wasn't a character in the play, but after they cast me as a daisy, I asked if I could be a squirrel instead. I only had 1 line so they didn't care if I was a rodent or a flower), a red cape with faux white fur fringe (when needing to be a king naturally), several sparkling crowns (worn by us and regrettably, by our dogs), and a beautiful egyptian head piece that we always wanted to wear but never had the right outfit for. We tried doing the whole "trick-or-treating in your own neighborhood" thing, but the houses were too spread out, so our mom drove us from house to house and needless to say, many of the doors we knocked on either never opened or opened to a very shocked resident (and it wasn't because of our smashing costumes). We eventually started doing trick-or-treating with our friends in more populated areas, which was great. But the funny thing is, you collect all this candy, go home, stuff your face, and feel totally nuts for the rest of the night and wake up the next morning to find your candy stash mysteriously missing...You ask your mom and she looks down at you with that deceitful innocence as she makes you some breakfast and then quickly changes the subject or says something like, "didn't you eat it all?"
No, you say to yourself, I most certainly did not, and I was fully intending to go crazy again tonight and dress up as an egyptian king and sing songs from The Sound of Music at the top of my lungs! (this is about the time you realize why your mother would do such a horrible thing to you)...
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
apartment charm / Rawesome Brownies
Hy husband and I (and Dragon and Toast and Frodo and all of the unicorns...) live in an apartment. Let's just say it's cozy (translation: pet hair is part of my daily protein intake). Actually, I read somewhere that there are crazy cat ladies and dog people who collect their pet's fur and--yes, literally knit themselves sweaters and other clothing out of it. Umm...I already think it's freaky how much pet owners look like their furry companions without dressing and smelling like them too. Zolts). Anyway, our apartment is on the first floor of an old house. Yup, it's old in that charming New England way, complete with rusted sideboard heaters, rotting wood in the bathroom, and closets from the 1800's. What I want to know is, how can a person actually fit all of their clothing in one of these tissue-box sized closets? My husband can't even have his clothing in our bedroom because there's no place to put it, so his stuff is in the "guest room" (translation: office / ironing board / dog crate / musical instrument room, and yes, we have an inflatable mattress for guests...).
The rotting piece of wood in the bathroom drives me crazy. I asked our landlord to fix it about a hundred times, but he suffers from the "sweet but dumb" syndrome and somehow I always end up feeling guilty when I ask him to do something. He looks at me with that friendly, deer-in-headlights stare that says "I don't know what you're asking, but I like cookies". Needless to say, there is a piece of wood that falls out of the bathroom wall and onto the floor, revealing the lovely mold and paint chips and other niceties that one ought to have in a bathroom. I push the stupid piece of wood back into place again and again and again, but every time I return to the bathroom, it's fallen out again (not to mention Dragon plays with the paint chips...hopefully she doesn't eat them, although that would explain a lot).
We also have neighbors. The house is zoned for 2 apartments, but when we moved in there were 4; a wacko living in the garage, a perpetually drunk "carpenter" and his girlfriend in the basement, and an eccentric but friendly loner on the second floor (who gave us a card with a sailboat on it saying "welcome to the neighborhood"). The sailboat guy and the drunk have since moved out, but lucky for us, there's still the wacko in the garage. The landlord is in the middle of a lawsuit with this guy because he hasn't paid rent for over a year. He's got a mullet that would make Michael Bolton jealous, and he's got one of those bouncy walks...you know the ones where people never put weight on their heels? Yup, he's pretty awesome. Does he work? Well, apparently some old lady gives him $500 a week to "help her out" (translation: stealing an old lady's money is not cool). Every time I leave the apartment I check to make sure he's not outside (the problem? He's always at home...one of those annoying habits of the unemployed), because he always smiles and gives me one of those small talk one-liners like "beautiful day, isn't it?" or upon petting Toast, smiles at me with glistening eyes and says, "We rescue them, they rescue us, right?". I force a smile but all I really want to say is, "hey mullet man, why don't you get a job already and stop ripping that old lady off!"
For a while, I worried that we would get new neighbors of the same variety, but then a nice man from Greenwich Town Hall came to my door and asked how many apartments there were. I said "Four" and he said "Really?" and I said "Why?" and he said "It's only zoned for two".
Needless to say, we haven't seen anybody new since...
So I never eat dessert (yup, I'm perfect). It's partially due to my eternal hatred / fear of sugar, but also because of the way sweet things make me feel after I've eaten them: crazy, bug-eyed wildcat followed by something along the lines of a sluggish Eeyore. Solution? A kick-ass dessert without sugar, without wheat, and without baking?!? Yes, I'm giving you the recipe to RAW brownies, and let me tell you...they are so freaking good that you'll want to make them every day. And the best part? This recipe takes about 10 minutes to make. Go ahead and thank me for making your life better.
The rotting piece of wood in the bathroom drives me crazy. I asked our landlord to fix it about a hundred times, but he suffers from the "sweet but dumb" syndrome and somehow I always end up feeling guilty when I ask him to do something. He looks at me with that friendly, deer-in-headlights stare that says "I don't know what you're asking, but I like cookies". Needless to say, there is a piece of wood that falls out of the bathroom wall and onto the floor, revealing the lovely mold and paint chips and other niceties that one ought to have in a bathroom. I push the stupid piece of wood back into place again and again and again, but every time I return to the bathroom, it's fallen out again (not to mention Dragon plays with the paint chips...hopefully she doesn't eat them, although that would explain a lot).
We also have neighbors. The house is zoned for 2 apartments, but when we moved in there were 4; a wacko living in the garage, a perpetually drunk "carpenter" and his girlfriend in the basement, and an eccentric but friendly loner on the second floor (who gave us a card with a sailboat on it saying "welcome to the neighborhood"). The sailboat guy and the drunk have since moved out, but lucky for us, there's still the wacko in the garage. The landlord is in the middle of a lawsuit with this guy because he hasn't paid rent for over a year. He's got a mullet that would make Michael Bolton jealous, and he's got one of those bouncy walks...you know the ones where people never put weight on their heels? Yup, he's pretty awesome. Does he work? Well, apparently some old lady gives him $500 a week to "help her out" (translation: stealing an old lady's money is not cool). Every time I leave the apartment I check to make sure he's not outside (the problem? He's always at home...one of those annoying habits of the unemployed), because he always smiles and gives me one of those small talk one-liners like "beautiful day, isn't it?" or upon petting Toast, smiles at me with glistening eyes and says, "We rescue them, they rescue us, right?". I force a smile but all I really want to say is, "hey mullet man, why don't you get a job already and stop ripping that old lady off!"
For a while, I worried that we would get new neighbors of the same variety, but then a nice man from Greenwich Town Hall came to my door and asked how many apartments there were. I said "Four" and he said "Really?" and I said "Why?" and he said "It's only zoned for two".
Needless to say, we haven't seen anybody new since...
So I never eat dessert (yup, I'm perfect). It's partially due to my eternal hatred / fear of sugar, but also because of the way sweet things make me feel after I've eaten them: crazy, bug-eyed wildcat followed by something along the lines of a sluggish Eeyore. Solution? A kick-ass dessert without sugar, without wheat, and without baking?!? Yes, I'm giving you the recipe to RAW brownies, and let me tell you...they are so freaking good that you'll want to make them every day. And the best part? This recipe takes about 10 minutes to make. Go ahead and thank me for making your life better.
Rawesome Brownies with Chocolate Frosting
2 cups raw pecans
2 cups fresh dates, seeds removed
1 cup unsweetened cocoa powder (I use Equal Exchange)
1 cup shredded, unsweetened coconut (I use Let’s Do Organic)
3 T raw agave
1 tsp sea salt
for frosting:
1 cup fresh dates
¼ cup unsweetened cocoa powder
¼ cup virgin coconut oil
¾ cup water
For brownies, pulse pecans in a food processor until crumbled. Add dates and process until incorporated, then add the rest of the ingredients and process until mixed. Pour mixture into dish of choice and press down firmly. Top with frosting and refrigerate a little before serving. For the frosting, place all ingredients in a blender (I use a VitaMix and so should you). Blend on a slow speed and then increase, allowing mixture to blend until velvety and smooth. Top on brownies. Serves 12 unicorns in need of a sweet pick-me-up after another boring day of eating hay.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
passport renewal part 2 / blueberry bliss smoothie
Last night I picked up our mail and was pleasantly surprised to see an envelope from the Department of State. Must be my new passport, right? After an evil post office woman, four hours, a $110 check, and yelling obscenities in the privacy of my car about the inefficiency of government run businesses, I was actually receiving my passport in a timely fashion. I nearly felt guilty for my previous post (see Passport Renewal), but then I opened the thick, manila envelope. New passport? Nope. It was my old passport, all of my filled out paperwork, and a fresh white letter telling me that my passport renewal had been denied. I looked in the envelope for the returned check. No luck; the bastards took my money anyway...and, on top of it all, they had the audacity to tell me in that my check amount was incorrect. I was supposed to send $135 dollars instead of $110 dollars. Super. So why had it been denied? Apparently I had already applied for a passport in 2003.
#$%*@#?! (translation: I am a little bit frustrated) because I sent them my old passport, marriage license, social security number, a hair sample, and even a unicorn friend to vouch for me...and they still turned me down (not to mention my unicorn had to be overnighted which was rather expensive).
Luckily, my husband's passport is up to date, so he just needs to renew his green card (he's from outer space!!!). Isn't it strange how they call non-citizens aliens? Every time I see his "legal alien" card I envision a purple, bug-eyed creature with antennae and sticky fingers like E.T.- not a cute englishman.
And speaking of aliens...Dragon (samwise gamgee) has been mewing all morning and staring at the ceiling as though a demon (no doubt invisible to the human eye) has infiltrated our apartment. I think it may have something to do with the fact that we removed the AC unit from our bedroom window. This is rather catastrophic (no pun intended) for a cat like Dragon. She lives in our apartment, every second of every day, and isn't allowed outside (for reasons I think you may be able to guess...she gets lost in open spaces, remember?). There was a large, grey object that made loud noises and now there isn't (translation: demons are in the apartment and she must alarm everyone to their presence). I also made the mistake of leaving the closet under the stairs (mordor) slightly ajar. Frodo went inside (naturally, because he's got to throw that ring into the fires of mount doom already!) and when Dragon approached the dark, menacingly entrance...she panicked. She could hear the crinkling of bags (translation: roar of mount doom's inferno), and feared for Frodo's life, so she pooped outside the litter box and has been running like a maniac around the apartment for the last ten minutes.
Needless to say, I've been slightly distracted and unable to edit my novel very much this morning. Solution? A raw smoothie to energize my spirits (and an excuse to turn on the blender and further confuse Dragon). Raw food used to scare me because I love cooked, hot, cozy food, and whenever I thought of the word raw I envisioned cold, gazpacho soup, goosebumps, a food dehydrator, and an unsatisfied stomach. But you know what? Raw food is pretty r-awesome. Yup, I just said rawesome...deal with it, haters.
Blueberry bliss smoothie
1 large banana, peel removed
1/2 cup frozen or fresh blueberries
1 cup soy milk (I use Edensoy Extra Original) or non-dairy milk of your choice
A few pinches of ground cinnamon
3-4 ice cubes
1/2 tsp raw agave, if desired (I think it's plenty sweet without agave. Bananas have a lot of natural sugar!)
**For a protein boost, I add a small scoop of hemp protein powder (I use Living Harvest Organic Hemp Protein...nothing but cold milled hemp!)
In a high speed blender, combine all ingredients and blend until smooth. Serve to two sluggish unicorns without passports.
#$%*@#?! (translation: I am a little bit frustrated) because I sent them my old passport, marriage license, social security number, a hair sample, and even a unicorn friend to vouch for me...and they still turned me down (not to mention my unicorn had to be overnighted which was rather expensive).
Luckily, my husband's passport is up to date, so he just needs to renew his green card (he's from outer space!!!). Isn't it strange how they call non-citizens aliens? Every time I see his "legal alien" card I envision a purple, bug-eyed creature with antennae and sticky fingers like E.T.- not a cute englishman.
And speaking of aliens...Dragon (samwise gamgee) has been mewing all morning and staring at the ceiling as though a demon (no doubt invisible to the human eye) has infiltrated our apartment. I think it may have something to do with the fact that we removed the AC unit from our bedroom window. This is rather catastrophic (no pun intended) for a cat like Dragon. She lives in our apartment, every second of every day, and isn't allowed outside (for reasons I think you may be able to guess...she gets lost in open spaces, remember?). There was a large, grey object that made loud noises and now there isn't (translation: demons are in the apartment and she must alarm everyone to their presence). I also made the mistake of leaving the closet under the stairs (mordor) slightly ajar. Frodo went inside (naturally, because he's got to throw that ring into the fires of mount doom already!) and when Dragon approached the dark, menacingly entrance...she panicked. She could hear the crinkling of bags (translation: roar of mount doom's inferno), and feared for Frodo's life, so she pooped outside the litter box and has been running like a maniac around the apartment for the last ten minutes.
Needless to say, I've been slightly distracted and unable to edit my novel very much this morning. Solution? A raw smoothie to energize my spirits (and an excuse to turn on the blender and further confuse Dragon). Raw food used to scare me because I love cooked, hot, cozy food, and whenever I thought of the word raw I envisioned cold, gazpacho soup, goosebumps, a food dehydrator, and an unsatisfied stomach. But you know what? Raw food is pretty r-awesome. Yup, I just said rawesome...deal with it, haters.
Blueberry bliss smoothie
1 large banana, peel removed
1/2 cup frozen or fresh blueberries
1 cup soy milk (I use Edensoy Extra Original) or non-dairy milk of your choice
A few pinches of ground cinnamon
3-4 ice cubes
1/2 tsp raw agave, if desired (I think it's plenty sweet without agave. Bananas have a lot of natural sugar!)
**For a protein boost, I add a small scoop of hemp protein powder (I use Living Harvest Organic Hemp Protein...nothing but cold milled hemp!)
In a high speed blender, combine all ingredients and blend until smooth. Serve to two sluggish unicorns without passports.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
weather & drama / tofu ricotta lasagna
You know how people always tell you that they "don't like drama"? They're lying. Everyone likes drama...it gives them something to talk about, worry about, obsess over, cry over and laugh about. Sure, we've got reality shows, but the funny thing is, it's usually the news and the weather channel that are the most entertaining...
The weatherperson stands before a neon map of the United States with a clicker and a bug-eyed expression of terror. "It's going to be a wet one out there today folks," he says while waving his hand over a green smudge in Connecticut, "expect flooding in some parts and power outages from the wind gusts". This is when you start to get excited and check to make sure that your flashlights have fresh batteries in them. "Gusts could be over 40 miles per hour". You lock all of the windows and check your pantry. Six cans of beans, some mustard, pasta sauce, brown rice, and a hundred other items. You realize that if this turns into as big of a storm as they're predicting, there's no way you'll be able to survive. You must go to the store and buy water (this is one of those strange human responses to any type of weather from a light rain to a full blown you-need-to-evacuate hurricane). "And the traffic is going to be a doozy too". Maybe you shouldn't go on the highway then? Although if it's windy, a tree might fall down, in which case the backroads would be more dangerous than traffic on the highway. Hmm...you'll have to wait and see.
Several hours and three raindrops later, you go outside and look at the blue sky with disappointment. "Where's the storm?" you wonder. You were so excited to wear your new Hunter rain boots and North Face shell, but since you already called in from work, you throw your PJ's back on and put on the news. "Steve Jobs didn't have to die!" says the newsperson dramatically, with the same voice as the guy who does movie previews. Really? Was he murdered, given the wrong medication, or secretly still living on some tiny island in the caribbean? "He started his cancer treatment too late". Seriously? This is a news story? You pretend to want to turn off the news, but another headline catches your eye. It's about a missing baby (I swear they have one every week, and doesn't it always seems like the parents end up being guilty?). You see an adorable picture of the baby and start feeling emotional, but the next thing you know the newsperson is on to the next pressing headline: "What happened to Lindsay Lohan's teeth?" they announce. "Sources say that smoking cigarettes are to blame." Wow, I had no idea that cigarettes made your teeth yellow...what an astonishing breakthrough! After watching for 10 more minutes and learning about the recent shootings, you feel like the world is going to end and check the bolt lock on your front door. Solution? Put on Pride & Prejudice, snuggle with your pets on the couch, and allow yourself to get lost in Mr. Darcy's eyes...
And since you're staying in and watching a movie, why not whip up some lasagna for those unicorn friends that are stopping by later with a tazer gun and pepper spray?
Growing up, lasagna was always my favorite dish. I remember one day at school, the teacher asked us to write down our favorite food. Most kids put down chocolate, cookies, hot dogs, or hamburgers, but not me...nope, I was the weirdo who put down lasagna (but it was spelled more like: lazanya). Hey, I was in third grade...give me a break.
Lasagna with Tofu Ricotta
1 package whole wheat lasagna noodles (I use Bionaturae)
1 large jar of Rao's marinara sauce, or marinara sauce of your choice
1 T extra virgin olive oil
1 large yellow onion, diced
1 large yellow onion, diced
3 garlic cloves, diced
1 package button mushrooms, diced
1-2 heads broccoli, finely chopped
salt & pepper to taste
*for tofu ricotta:
2 packages extra firm tofu (I use The Bridge) crumbled
4 T italian seasoning blend or Penzey's Sandwich Sprinkle (not sure why they call it this...weird)
1/4 cup + more nutritional yeast (in the bulk section of WF)
2 T + stock (I use Imagine No-Chicken stock)
2 T lemon juice
salt & pepper to taste
*a note about making the tofu ricotta...I've never really measured out these ingredients before, so I'm estimating for you, but taste as you go and see. It should taste salty, cheesy & herbalicious. If not, adjust accordingly.*
*for tofu ricotta:
2 packages extra firm tofu (I use The Bridge) crumbled
4 T italian seasoning blend or Penzey's Sandwich Sprinkle (not sure why they call it this...weird)
1/4 cup + more nutritional yeast (in the bulk section of WF)
2 T + stock (I use Imagine No-Chicken stock)
2 T lemon juice
salt & pepper to taste
*a note about making the tofu ricotta...I've never really measured out these ingredients before, so I'm estimating for you, but taste as you go and see. It should taste salty, cheesy & herbalicious. If not, adjust accordingly.*
Preheat oven to 350. In a large pot, cook pasta noodles according to package directions. Drain noodles and rinse with cold water, then set aside in a bowl of cool water. In a saute pan, saute onions in olive oil until soft, then add garlic, mushrooms, broccoli and some salt. Cook until soft, just a few minutes. Take off stove and let cool. In a mixing bowl, combine crumbled tofu, seasoning, nutritional yeast, stock (use as much as you need to make a ricotta cheese consistency), and lemon juice. Take out a 9 x 12 baking dish (I use a cast iron or ceramic baking dish), and pour a thin layer of pasta sauce over the bottom of the pan. Now add one layer of cooked noodles, side by side over the sauce. Add half of the veggie mixture and half of the ricotta mixture and pat down lightly and evening over the noodles. Cover with a generous amount of pasta sauce, then repeat the process one more time. Top with a third layer of noodles, and pour the rest of your pasta sauce over top. Sprinkle with nutritional yeast for a cheesy top. Place in the oven and bake for 40 minutes. Remove from oven and allow to cool, then top with almesan sprinkles and pesto and serve to 6 nervous unicorns.
Optional topping: Walnut pesto
1 cup loosely packed basil, washed and pulled off stems
1/2 cup raw walnuts, toasted (in oven at 350 for 10 minutes or until fragrant)
1 T fresh lemon juice
1 tsp miso (I use South River brown rice miso)
2 T extra virgin olive oil
sea salt & pepper to taste
process ingredients in food processor until just a little chunky...adjust seasonings to preference.
Optional topping: Almesan sprinkles (tastes better than parmesan!)
1/2 cup almonds, toasted (see above toasting procedure for walnuts)
1 tsp + lemon zest
sea salt to taste
process ingredients in food processor until crumbly and reminiscent of parmesan cheese...adjust seasoning to preference.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)